Driving to work, I feel the firmness of the wheel beneath my fingers. My foot keeps a steady pressure on the gas. I’m driving along narrow country lanes, quiet with occasional, sudden hazards of animals and tractors and oil tankers filling the road. You can’t afford to go too fast. You can’t afford not to pay attention.

The morning is tempting me otherwise. The morning is all pastel streaks, the cloud shifting and moving, throwing mauves, gold, purples across the Galloway sky. The sky is filling me. I feel the sky.

The sun is low and golden this mid October morning, this day before the day that would have been my mother’s birthday. It’s such a beautiful time of year. I love its golden, fleeting beauty, full of wild moments of transience and grace. I love that her memory is woven in with this time of gold and copper, burnished leaves and falling light.

I feel waves of love and loss within me, tears of grief and missing I want to brush away – more than three years! you shouldn’t still be crying! as I keep driving, with my fingers on the wheel, and my foot trying to hold a steady pressure on the gas.

As the road curves and bends, the light keeps dipping and falling. Everything is gold, and everything is light. Everything is only five minutes till I get there but I can’t stop the tears from falling, since everything is gold and everything is autumn and everything is grief and everything is light.

I feel the tears in my eyes. I feel the warmth of October on my face. I feel my fingers on the wheel and my foot holding steady on the gas. I feel autumn, I feel gold. I feel the dissolution of light.

 

remaining